These are my favorite Chuck Norris jokes. Most of my favorites of my favorite jokes are in the top half.
Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.
If you misspell Chuck Norris on Google, it doesn't say: Did you mean Chuck Norris? It says RUN WHILE YOU STILL CAN!!!
There used to be a street named after Chuck Norris, but it was changed because nobody crosses Chuck Norris and lives.
Chuck Norris will be the star lead in the remake of the movie "300" it will now be called "1"
Chuck Norris can finish Mario Bros without using the jump button
Chuck Norris went on the show "The Apprentice". He fired Donald Trump
Few people can go down Niagra Falls in a barrel. Only Chuck Norris can go up Niagra Falls in a cardboard box.
Chuck Norris can watch DVD's on a VCR
Chuck Norris can describe the taste of water.
When Google has a question.... It ChuckNorriss it.
Chuck Norris can hear his phone ring on silent.
Chuck Norris can cut through a hot knife with butter.
When Chuck Norris first saw Dragon Ball Z he thought it was a series of easy workout videos.
Chuck Norris doesn't sweat. He forces the air around him to cry and the tears cool him down.
In Harry Potter, they say "He who shall not be named". They are refering to Chuck Norris.
Sharks have a Chuck Norris week.
Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him.
Willy Wonka gave an everlasting gobstopper to Chuck Norris. The flavor lasted 2.3 seconds.
Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg.
Chuck Norris once umpired a football game, He won.
Chuck Norris was supposed to play the lead role in Mission: Impossible. He was replaced by Tom Cruise because the title wouldn't make any sense.
Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle
There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.
Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
Chuck Norris is the only man to punch a cyclops between the eyes
Chuck Norris can light a fire by rubbing two ice-cubes together.
Chuck Norris never needs a flash light, he just stares into the darkness and it moves out of the way.
Chuck Norris does not fart, nothing escapes Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris runs until the treadmill gets tired
A state trooper pulled Chuck Norris over the other day. Being a man who respects the law, Chuck let him off with a warning.
Chuck Norris once got bit by a rattle snake........ After three days of pain and agony ..................the rattle snake died
When Chuck Norris pokes you on facebook, you feel it
Chuck Norris can speak braille letters.
If Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks you, even Google won't be able to find you.
Chuck Norris can speak Russian... in Chinese.
Chuck Norris put out a forest fire. using only gasoline
Chuck Norris has a Myspace account... on Facebook.
Only one person cried when Chuck Norris was born and that was the doctor.... no one slaps Chuck Norris
Whenever Chuck Norris rolls a 6 sided dice, he always rolls a 7.
When Chuck Norris looks at himself at a mirror, there is no reflection. There can only be one Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris was once struck by lightning...Thats why lightning never strikes the same place twice...because Chuck Norris is looking for it...
Chuck Norris built the hospital he was born in.
Chuck Norris does'nt turn on the lights, he turns off the dark.
Chuck Norris calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd. No one fools Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck Norris met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed misserably.
Chuck Norris is a man of few words. Chuck Norris is not a man of few roundhouse kicks to the face.
Chuck Norris' iPod came with a real charger instead of just a USB cord
Chuck Norris knows where Carmen Sandiego is.
Chuck Norris is what Willis was talking about
If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.
Chuck Norris once broke the land speed record on a bicycle that was missing its chain and the back tire.
Chuck Norris once tried to wear glasses. The result was him seeing around the world to the point where he was looking at the back of his own head.
Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
Chuck Norris doesn't worry about changing his clock twice a year for daylight savings time. The sun rises and sets when Chuck tells it to.
Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of ŅbeardÓ. Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of JesusÕ obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Chuck Norris.
Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the Force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.
A duckÕs quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely responsible for this phenomenon. When asked why he will simply stare at you, grimly.
Chuck NorrisÕ roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.
Chuck Norris doesnÕt believe in Germany.
If you want a list of Chuck NorrisÕ enemies, just check the extinct species list.
Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.
Chuck Norris doesnÕt need to swallow when eating food.
If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win? Chuck Norris.
Ironically, Chuck NorrisÕ hidden talent is invisibility.
Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a 2 of clubs, a 7 of spades, and a green number 4 from Uno and a monopoly Ōget out of jail freeÕ card.
Chuck Norris invented water.
Chuck Norris is Luke SkywalkerÕs real father.
Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.
Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it.
Before science was invented it was once believed that autumn occurred when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked every tree in existence.
Scientists in Washington have recently conceded that, if there were a nuclear war, all that would remain are cockroaches and Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can piss into gale force winds.
Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack
Chuck Norris got a perfect score on his SAT's, simply by writing Chuck Norris for every answer.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits
Helen KellerÕs favorite color is Chuck Norris
After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. It was more "humane".
Chuck Norris doesn't have normal white blood cells like you and I. His have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black belts in every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick all of the viruses. That's why Chuck Norris never gets ill.
Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. there were no survivors and the pilot episode tape has been burned.
Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
Along with his black belt, Chuck Norris often chooses to wear brown shoes. No one has DARED call him on it. Ever.
When Chuck Norris falls out of a boat he dosn't get wet the water gets Chuck Norrised
Superman wears Chuck Norris underpants.
When Chuck Norris does pushups, he doesn't push himself up, he pushes the world down
Chuck Norris doesn't read books, he just stares them down until he gets the information he wants out of them.
The Manhattan Project was not intended to create nuclear weapons, it was meant to recreate the destructive power in a Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick. They didn't even come close.
Darth Vader dresses up as Chuck Norris for Halloween.
Some kids piss their names in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name in concrete.
A handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
Chuck Norris's hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.
Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.
There is no 'Ctrl' button on Chuck Norris' computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.
Chuck Norris died 20 years ago. death just never had the guts to tell him.
Chuck Norris once participated in the running of the bulls. He walked.
Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because the only element he understands is the element of surprise.
Chuck Norris can eat just one Lay's potato chip.
Chuck Norris can beat Halo 3 on Legendary...with a guitar hero controller!
Chuck Norris invented the tooth fairy, as a way to compensate for round house kicking everybody to the face.
Chuck Norris can squeeze orange juice from a banana
The continets didn't drift away from each other, they just found out that Chuck Norris was gunna be on america so they all ran away
Chuck Norris doesn't mow his lawn, he stands outside and dares it to grow.
Google no longer runs searches on Chuck Norris
You dont find chuck norris,
Chuck Norris finds you!
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
The Bermuda Triangle used to be the Bermuda Square, until Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked one of the corners off.
The pen is mighter than the sword, but only if the pen is held by Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris can blow bubbles with beef jerky.
Chuck Norris plays racquetball with a waffle iron and a bowling ball.
Chuck Norris can speak Braille.
Chuck Norris hates Raymond.
Chuck Norris built the holspital he was born in
The titanic wasn't really sunk by an iceburg. Chuck norris was just practicing underwater roundhouse kicks. The reason why there were survivors? He was only warming up.
Chuck Norris once shot down a german fighter pilot by pointing his finger at it and saying "bang."
Some magicians can walk on water, Chuck Norris can swim through land.
Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night
When Chuck Norris crosses the street, the cars have to look both ways.
Chuck Norris can win a game of connect 4 in only 3 moves.
According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.
Death once had a near Chuck Norris experience.
As an infant, Chuck Norris parents gave him a toy hammer. He gave the world Stonehenge.
Bullets dodge Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris believes it's not butter.
Chuck Norris can rhyme orange and purple with each other!
Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with barbed wire.